I have been struggling with bullying since middle school and I find it hard. I will start from the beginning. I started getting bullied in middle school because i looked different. I decided to create coping skills, like watching anime and playing video games. Indeed these skills helped me get through hard times when i was young. Middle school was bad. I experienced friendship lose, but it was out of my own stupidity. I was left alone and struggling in school.
When I reached high school I made my first best friend and we stayed friends for only 9th grade year. I began to get attached and needy. I am a jealous type and that’s what caused our friendship to break on top of calling her a name out of anger. I will not get into details about the name. Although, i had other friends who liked me. My ex-best friend decided after a week of weeping to bully me. She would shout out that I was unattractive and spread rumors about me. My friend at the time was also friends with her and obsessive. She would continuously talk about her and we always got into arguments. Our first split was bad. We eventually became friends again, but she had a habit of going on random rage fits. The second one sent our friendship into splitsville. The other friend I had was actually mentally ill and our break up was over me telling him how unstable his emotions where. Deep down I felt that he was embarrassing to be around because everyone laughed at us, did not like him, and thought he was a know-it-all. By the way he suffered from bipolar disorder, social anxiety disorder, and panic disorder. The other friend also suffered from a syndrome called Asperger’s. I will not reveal names. I was also sexually assaulted by my friend who shall remain nameless. I don’t want to get detailed in the things he did to me, but I ended up going to the police. However, he continued his pursuit and I remained powerless because he was so strong. On top of all this I still experienced bullying in my accounting class. After graduation I ended up feeling bad for what I did to my friends, so i called both of them and rekindled our relationship. I did not rekindle my relations with my ex-best friend. I hated her so much at the time. I was so mad i threatened to stab her. Of course i never did because I was so scared to. I ended up researching her all over social media like a stalker. I wanted to get revenge so bad. I use to have rage fits and couldn’t stop thinking about her for 2 years. In high school I kept wondering why people bully me, why me? and i gave up religion. I started cutting myself and went through an emo faze.
I went to college close to home and still struggled with bullying. People just didn’t want to accept the way i looked, but I did meet 3 friends that did. I started to become an Adventist. However, that friendship didn’t last because one friend talked to me about our other friend. I then started to avoid all three because they all had issues and i didn’t want to deal with high school problems in college. I was even more alone and I didn’t get along with my roommate because she always starred at me and talked about me to her friends. I even took it far enough to sleep in a hospital or on a bench in a building. I was failing badly at the school and ended up moving back home. I went to a psychiatrist, but a terrible one and the pills just gave me severe headaches. Then after 3 months i went to a college in west Virginia. I dealt with the same issue. My roommate was also religious and I began to join the school bible study. I developed a nice relationship with my roommate. I also faced bullying at this school. I ended up going to a psychiatrist but the pills didn’t do any good. They actually made me crazier. I started experiencing hallucinations, night terrors and bipolar moods. I was also failing at this school. My relationship with my roommate ended quickly because I knew she would get with her husband on the phone and talk about me while i was asleep. I would leave early in the morning and walk to a secluded room away from people. I ended up getting kicked out of school because I brought something i shouldn’t have out of defense. I felt so alone and needed a friend. I wondered why people bullied me for my appearance and not other people who were just as different looking. I even went to the police to report the bullying and they talked with the bullies, but it didn’t work. I left the school and now attend a community college close to home. I still get bullied and no one seems to accept the way i look. I have found the anime club I joined recently, but people are still not accepting me for my appearance. I only have one person i talk to and I don’t even feel she is my friend because she seems to be uninterested in me.
I also struggle with family issues. All through high school my relations with my family began to get bad. I would argue back and forth with my brother, aunt and mother. I still remember her calling my features funny looking and showing favoritism towards my brother. My aunt recently told my brother “oh you have brown eyes” and she looked at me and made a “hmmpf” noise as to say your not pretty. I think the things that are happening to me are driving me closer to insanity. As i think of these things i am having rage fits. I have even told them I get bullied and my mom doesn’t want to believe me. My aunt thinks I’m unattractive and talks about me to other family members over the phone. I once heard my brother talk to his friend and say “I can’t help the way i look” and when I asked him about that conversation he got anxious and scared. He wasn’t able to look me in the eyes and tell the truth. I now suffer from depression, social anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and according to psychiatrist bipolar disorder. I really feel like my parents don’t love me. My mother even said that “she wants me out the house because we don’t get along”, but my brother can stay.
A Reader