I have had a severe depression since I was in high school. I’ve never had a bad life. I have had heart break and not very many good friends. I lost my virginity to a guy after three dates at 21. and i don’t love him or anyone else right now. I dont’ want to talk to him. I don’t want to see him again. I don’t want to have sex again. I’ve been raped in another country, in that i was so freakin drunk that i was about to have sex on a bench, but ,managed to get up and wlak away and he let me. Now, I drink and i feel the need to cut myself. I feel so alone, so scared of this feeling inside me and so embarrassed. I thought i had overcome this in my depression \but my leg is cut up and my hands and i don’t know where else to turn. I don’t want help from ‘professionals’. I got drunk one time and threatened to kill myself. I got beaten by the police and taken to the hospital. The next day i feel fine, and i know i should stop drinking, but I’m 21 and I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL. It hurts me to know this is inside me and i hate it. The blood fades but the scars never do, and they’re on show for everyone who looks. What then? How do i explain this to other people? My shame, my skin, my depression? I do love my life and i always think that i make this great big progressions in my depression, yet here i am, cutting myself. Is it my subconscious telling me no i’m not okay or is it my depression acting out against my own happiness. Every time that i try to go out with friends, soomething happens to make them cancel, or not be able too. And here i am, cutting myself because i dont’ think that no one loves me because i’m worthless, fat, ugly, not fun, depressing, needy, scary, boring. Whatever. I’m alone, and they don’t see it. If they did, they probably wouldn’t even want to be around me or associated. I hate myself, because no one else seems to like me. I miss having fun and being surrounded by people.
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